Stuck in What I “Used” to Look Like

Sometimes I get so stuck in what I used to look like, what I used to be like, that I cannot find any appreciation for who I am today…

Recently, it was very difficult to hear a loved one saying, while looking through old pictures, “That’s what Tamara looked like before she got really sick. Wasn’t she beautiful?” Not that I don’t say these very words myself, a disclaimer so to speak, letting others know I haven’t always been heavy, puffy-faced, pale, fill in your own negative adjective here:_________.
But this time, I wasn’t the one to point out my “different self,” it was my husband. And I know, in my mind, that he was saying this with pride, letting someone who has only known me post-sickness in on what I looked like in a healthier state. In fact, he most likely was just mimicking my own words. But, all my heart heard was, “she used to be beautiful.” Translation: I am no longer beautiful.
And as I am writing this, I realize I perpetuate these stories. Because I don’t want to appear less than (or more than, in regards to my weight- LOL!), so I make excuses. I act as if I already lived my glamorous life. Or even more so, that given just a little more time, I’ll get back to my “old self.” “Just you wait and see!”
But that’s not humanly possible. For any of us. Each day we wake up, we are a newer version of ourselves. We move forward, not backwards, in time (or so we hope!).
This attitude doesn’t just pertain to the ill. Comments like these are recycled in the media and in our communities as we disparagingly remark on the aging… a “condition” that occurs in each and every one of us, no matter how hard some try to stop time. We talk wistfully about our youth… our past selves. Or we make side-comments like, “Wow, she has really gotten old.” Or even worse, “What’s up with that grey hair; why doesn’t she color it or something?!” Like aging is something we should fix instead of celebrate.
And let’s face it; the majority of us don’t recognize beauty in ourselves in the moment. It’s only years later as we longingly talk about our youthfulness/healthiness, that we shower ourselves and others with high praise.
Looking at it in this light, who’s to say we’re not missing out on the beauty of our present selves, by keeping our eyes firmly fixed on the past?!
In a stunning sermon by Rev. Tina Simson on the topic of “Fat Ankles and Personal Dragons,” she states, “We do this often… make fun of our own bodies; we talk about them as if they are a distant relative we wished lived somewhere out of town.” She goes on to reflect, “Hidden just out of sight is my flawed self-image that is fed by our culture and its unattainable singular standard of beauty. But also, I know it is fed by me as I critique and doubt my own self, my strength and value… only because by body doesn’t conform.”
So, I realize that this shift in attitude towards those of us who have been “transformed” by illness (and all of us who haven’t discovered the fountain of youth yet) needs to start with me. I need to refuse to keep on feeding that dragon!
First, a note to the friends, family and caregivers of someone who is chronically ill:
• It’s okay to reminisce, but try to avoid the words “used to be.” They only denote that we are no longer a whole person as we are… today. Try instead to recognize all the positive traits that you see in us, in the present. For ex, “______ amazes me with her/his strength and resilience.”
• For intimate partners: look for all the things you still find beautiful about your mate. Tell your partner, tell others, and most importantly, tell yourself. We all miss things that once were, but by dwelling in the past, you’ll also be missing out on what’s right in front of you. Perhaps we don’t look the same as we did when you first met us, but what are the things that make you pause and feel lucky that we’re still together? Practice falling in love with me all over again.
• This may sound contradictory, but it is okay to also celebrate my beauty and strength of the past. Just, please don’t get stuck in the past. Perhaps marry a reflection on how beautiful I look in this picture from 8 years ago (or the career I used to have), with a complimentary comment about me today.
And for my part:
• I will try to stop putting myself down; stop being a bad example of all the ways I don’t want you to act.
• I will focus on all the ways I am a success today. I may no longer be participating in a daily, more traditional job. But I don’t sit on my laurels, either. I’ve reinvented myself and found ways to engage in my life, in new and different ways. I am an artist, a writer, an editor, and supportive wife, friend, sister and daughter. I am a survivor.
• I will focus on one thing I love about myself, today. It can be an external or internal attribute. I will fall in love with myself again (or perhaps for the first time). Today I looked in the mirror and realized I love my hair… not only do I like my current haircut (hurrah!) and the thickness of my mane, I love what it represents. Just 4 years ago, I had lost 75% of my hair; it was see-through thin, stringy and kinky. But as my body healed from the trauma inflicted upon it, so did my hair. It is a shining symbol of my resilient nature. Give yourself the gift of celebrating the beautiful person you are.
• I will engage in activities that lift me up instead of drag me down. Instead of sabotaging my self-image by trying on clothes I know won’t fit me, I will take a yoga class that reminds me of the beauty and strong attributes my body possesses.
These exercises are not only for the benefit of our own self-worth, it is an important shift in societal attitude we are all responsible for. Studies now show that girls’ self-esteem peaks at age 9 (!) and goes down from there and that 80% of children (boys and girls) at 10 years old are afraid of being fat. Let that sink in for a moment.
Together, we can start to re-shape the current mentality of our society. Let’s celebrate the diverse tapestry that makes up our world… all the different colors, sizes, shapes, abilities, ages, and gender orientations. Do we really want a “Stepford Society” after all?

More thoughts on body image:

Mirror Mirror On The Wall

 

 

Feeling My Feelings: I Can Be Both Strong and Emotional

So, time for another round of back injections.   A true pain in the butt!!  Yet, I was taking it all in “typical day stride” until I told a new friend yesterday that I would not be able to get together today; explaining that I will be otherwise indisposed.  And her reaction surprised me.  I recently found out that she, too, has an autoimmune disease.  We don’t know each other well enough to share details but I assumed she was familiar with the constant juggle of symptoms, pain, treatment options, appointments, etc.  You know, the ol’ Chronic Condition Round-Up:  “Admission is steep, but the ride is never the same!”  And I am sure she has her own daily struggles, but her gut reaction to discovering I was going to have corticosteroid injections was filled with compassion, awe, and even a little fear.  She instantly responded with “Oh, bless you!  I am so sorry you have to go through this ordeal!”

Ordeal!?  And that’s when I realized, it is an ordeal.  I am so used to being poked and prodded, that I have become numb to it all.  And, truly, this has been a very effective coping mechanism.  I think if I let down all my defenses, I would become paralyzed.  Because when I pause to think about everything my conditions entail on a daily basis, it is extremely overwhelming. And when this friend so clearly reacted to this, I became uncomfortable.  She was shining a light on my dirty little secret: my life is hard.

Three weeks back, I was “poked” in one form or another 3 out of the 5 days.  It began with a PPD test (Tuberculosis), no big deal but a prick just the same.   This was just the warm-up though; on that Wednesday, I had double corticosteroid injections in both my sacro-iliac joints (tailbone) and my bursa (hip).  Then I rounded out the week with 20+ Botox injections in my forehead, temples, and neck (for cluster migraines); imagine being stung two dozen times in less than 10 minutes!  And again, when I relayed my weekly adventures to friends and family, it was like I was informing them of that week’s weather patterns.  “Oh a small storm front came through in the middle and end of the week, but for the most part, skies were clear and sunny!” My voice was even, the facts were relayed without feeling; I had lost all affect.

Perhaps I need to pause.  And hold my own space for a little bit.  To give myself a hug.  To let myself know that I am proud of the strong and resilient woman I am.  To cry for all I have to endure on a daily basis.  To mourn for the pieces of “normalcy” I have lost, and will never regain.  To celebrate the Survivor that I am.  To appreciate and honor the fact that I don’t let my illness consume the all of me.  To feel my feelings, whatever they are.  To just be.

I get uncomfortable when others are sympathetic to my plight.  I still struggle with vulnerability.  And in accepting that others don’t view me as a “sympathy case,” they just have empathy and respect for my daily struggles.  And even more so, for how I choose to handle these situations.  Those are the pieces within my control.  And it’s okay for me to have pride over my tenacity and courage in the face of some very difficult daily hurdles.

Each day of my life is like walking through a field of landmines.  They’re old landmines, some are deactivated while others are extremely unstable and reactive.  I never know which one is going to go off or when I am going to trigger a reaction.  Prime example? The Steep Price of Admission I paid for going to the movies with a girlfriend the other day.  But even since then, my body has been “a-buzz.”  It’s like a feeling of after-shocks that will suddenly shoot down my arm or explode up my spine; intermittent and completely unpredictable.

And then lying amongst this field of mines, are hurdles.  Those steep inclines I know I’m going to have to muster the strength to surmount.  Like today’s injections.  I know in the long run they will (hopefully) provide relief.  But in the short term, I have to accept increased pain and aggravation of my symptoms.  I also have to measure the risk of even trying these treatment options that provide sporadic results.  The sacro-iliac joint is the most difficult joint to inject.  It’s nestled deep amongst tissue (nerves, muscle, connective) and is a very small opening.  I’ve observed them searching for it on imaging, watching this enormous needle poking around inside me trying to find the sweet spot.  There is no guarantee that it will hit its mark.

And that’s where I just have to remember to bring it all back to today, to the present moment. Because if I (and many of you!) were to let my mind expand and wander into the days before and all the days to come of this illness and its trials and tribulations, I would curl into a ball like a potato bug and hide forever behind a hard shell.   This is not an acceptable answer for me either.

So, where does that leave me, today?  The conversation with my friend yesterday and my meditation on this today, has given me a clear direction.  It’s time to re-focus my energy on Balance.  Often, I equate this with the delicate balance of doing just enough activity (not too much, not too still) that will support my body’s health without sending it into a flare.  But, today, I need to practice Emotional Balance.  Giving myself the space and the permission to feel the emotional effect all of this has on me; to honor the wear and tear it takes on my mind and spirit.  But this “delicate balance” comes into play in feeling my feelings just enough and then letting them go, finding acceptance and peace in them, sharing them with a friend so I am not alone in my pain and fear.  Letting my feelings flow through me, but not get stuck within me. 

Where do you need to create balance in your life today?

Let Your Inner Freedom Ring!

On this Independence Day, I am choosing to celebrate myself, my gifts, my strengths, and the freedom from the tyranny of my own tangled thoughts . . .

•  I do what I want to do, not what I think I “should be doing.”  If I want to paint, I paint! If I’m tired, I nap!  If a friend calls for an impromptu lunch, and I am physically able, I go!
• I no longer pretend to be “okay” just to make others feel better.  I know my illness can make others uncomfortable (no one wants to see a loved one hurting) but if I’m in pain, I say so.  To thine own body be true!
• I communicate my own wants and needs.  I no longer hope others will “magically guess” what I need in any given moment.  If I don’t know how to express what I want, how are others supposed to figure it out?
•   I advocate for my own well-being.  If a doctor isn’t fully listening or fully engaged in my care, I find a new one.
• I am flexible and adaptable!
• I choose to always find some glimmer of positive even in the most dire of circumstances.
  
• I choose gratitude over “grumpitude!”
•  After being given a 10% chance of surviving the night, and waking (alive!) on the morning of 3/20/07… I never, ever take a day of life for granted!
•   I am the annoying friend who is always stopping mid-sentence to point out a rainbow,the way the clouds capture the light just so, a hawk sitting roadside,… and I love this about myself!
• I live fully in the moment and encourage others to do the same.
• I have a deep understanding and empathy for those going through life’s challenges.
• I value the friendships in my life and am a good friend and confidante in return.
• I take risks because why shouldn’t I?  This may be the only chance I have to experience something new and I don’t want to miss out on a single opportunity.
• I don’t know how I’ll feel tomorrow, so I live in the Today.
• I don’t wait to do things on my Bucket List!
• I don’t shy away from an activity or trip, even if special arrangements need to be made to accommodate my “unique needs.”
• I have an inner strength and will to live that I am deeply proud of!
• I walk tall… celebrating the Goddess within me!
• I find purpose in spreading HOPE to others.
• I love to laugh and find keeping a smile on my face makes everything a little brighter!
• I am a Survivor! (every scar is a roadmap, outlining my remarkable journey to live!)
• My life is never dull!  And that’s pretty, darn cool (not many have such a complex “life story” at such a young age)!
• I don’t take my anger or sadness out on others!
• I am a constantly evolving woman… I keep re-inventing myself!
• Just like our forebearers, I take a chance on living a life that may be difficult and tiresome… The rewards of living life in any way are worth the sacrifices!
• I love watching fireworks! And even if I am too unwell to see them in person, I can always catch a good show on T.V. (Go Boston Pops!)
• I am grateful to be alive today, to celebrate the FREEDOM that we all deserve!

Pink Lotus of Life

The lotus flower, a type of water lily, is held sacred among many of the world’s religions and cultures.

With its roots in the mud, the lotus rises through the murky water to blossom clean and bright, symbolizing to the Buddhist purity, resurrection and the enlightened being who emerges undefiled from the chaos and illusion of the world.

The lotus flower is a favorite of Taoist artists, who paint it to remind us of the miracle of beauty, light and life, and to communicate an understanding of the Tao and of our place in the world.

CELEBRATE WAYS IN YOUR LIFE WHEN YOU HAVE PERSEVERED THROUGH DIFFICULT TIMES, ONLY TO EMERGE RESURRECTED AS A NEWER, STRONGER VERSION OF YOURSELF.
WE ARE SURVIVORS! YOU ARE A SURVIVOR!