Archive | November 2013

Time for Some Soul Food

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I need to feed my soul.  I have been putting myself on this almost deprivation diet in hopes that my body will rest and heal itself.  But, I think it’s time for some divine intervention!

The first item on my Soul Food List?  MUSIC.  Such a simple solution; healing medicine  and absolutely free.  Yet I have sat here in my silence for far too long.  As the first strands of banjos and snare drums snake their way through my nervous system and into my brain, I can already feel my body relaxing into these soothing sounds. I pause to slightly sway, stimulating my lymphatic system, adding some gentle foot pumps for extra “oomph.”  I’ve slowed my breathing to a measured refrain.

I have been so caught up (again- sigh) in all the ways my body is not working right now; all the spots that are thrumming with pain; all the activities I’ve had to bow out of…  These are the things I know. They are smack dab in the front of my everyday face.  Why focus on that?  I am only amplifying the pain.  And the loss.

And in the middle of this melancholy, I’ve lost sight of the simple things that lift my spirits, that help my mind drift away from the darkness of pain (and fear) into the light of healing (and love!).

angel male and femaleI was graciously invited to an amazing collective meditation at 4:11 EST this past Saturday.  At that exact moment, every planet in our Universe created a perfect star around the Sun.  Harmony.  A portal into divine light.  We began with ten sensual singing bowls, opening up the sleeping channels of higher consciousness that resides in us all.

We let our minds and our bodies float on the soothing, guiding words of our conduit that day, Mimi.  Through her guidance, I was able to experience a pulsing, swirling, expanding circle of light that wove it’s tendrils to all the corners of the Earth.  To the heavens above.  And Mother Earth below.   I was at once one with everything as everything was one with me.  The Divine Goddess Energy became one with the Masculine… no longer male and female… just living, breathing Beings.angel_heart

As the meditation came to a close, we were guided to return to our bodies, to the physical realm.  Suddenly, I was lost in a sea of black.  Complete and utter darkness. Where had all this warm, strong, healing energy and light of just moments before gone?  I could feel it vibrating behind me, almost lying in wait as I lost all guiding light back to Earth.    As I struggled with this dichotomy, a clear voice came to me…

“You will encounter much darkness as you bring this experience back to Earth.  It is easiest to spread light onto others who are already experiencing glimmers of light and love.  Your task is to bring the light into the corners of darkness, to shine your love and energy onto those who struggle with receiving it.”

Whoa.

As soon as I silently accepted this “mission,” shards of light started to splinter around my entire being until there was so much light, angel of lightI became pure energy.

That evening I came home and continued my connection, listening to native music while drawing the abstract light being (angel) who led me on this powerful journey.

Yet, since that night, I have been adrift.  Lost once again in this sea of unremitting pain and worry that this pain will be what I will feel from this moment on.  Selfish thoughts of missing out on the holiday festivities to come; guilt over cancelling and being inconsistent with my commitments to my friends and family; unable to do anything but sit and stare.  Sit and stare.

But, then I suddenly awoke from my afternoon (well let’s just be honest, and say my “all-day”) nap, and was driven to write.  To put on music and reignite that inner fire.  To awaken my Soul Beacon, and let its wavering light start to trickle outwards again.

Truthfully, I have been away from blogging because I have yet to complete my “task” of awarding ten other bloggers with the kind awards that were bestowed upon me.  This activity has overwhelmed me, mind, body and spirit.  And for this I’ve allowed deep roots of shame to grow beneath me; creating an impasse to any spontaneous writing and healing.

This is my Soul Food.

All of you are my Soul Food.

I needed to sit and stare until I remembered that.

The holidays to come aren’t about making the best (one-up-manship) sides for dinner, or hitting the sales that invade my brain with their earworm tactics.  It’s about doing what I can.  And knowing that I am enough.

All my family wants, is me.

And all I want is my family… born into, married into, chosen.

Perhaps, for today, the darkest place that needed light was me.  Now I am ready to start spreading that light to you.

Interesting that this comes to me on the eve of the Festival of Lights.  Happy Hanukkah… we can all rejoice in the miracle of taking a small amount of fuel (energy-light) and spreading it out, until it exponentially grows into days and days and days of lighting the way for others.

May you discover moments to spread your own light and love in the coming days.

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An Award That Got Me In Touch With My Roots

I’ve been away from my blog for well over a week now.  It’s been a challenging week.  I recently read a blogger refer to her days as either “Green Light,” “Yellow Light” or “Red Light” Days.  She uses this as a communication system with loved ones. When the inevitable, “How are you” pops up, she can respond with the appropriate stop light… indicating: “Not too bad, proceed ahead,” “Rocky road ahead, proceed with caution” or “STOP! Body under repair, do not enter!”  Well, I’ve just come off a string of “Red Light Days.”

But after this rocky week, I returned to my blog to discover that I had been awarded not one, but three Blogger Awards!!  This is a huge honor and I am humbled by this gesture.  Not only was this a surprise in and of itself, but I received these awards from a blogger I wasn’t previously aware of.   Someone who just recently discovered my blog, and was so touched that she chose me for one of her ten nominations. Remarkable.

After the initial shock at receiving these awards faded, I started to buckle under pressuring thoughts: “What did I do to deserve these?” and “What will my next ‘inspiring’ entry be to live up to these nominations?!”

I forgot to stay in the moment and just feel the happiness and hope over receiving these awards.  To know that I have touched others as they have touched me is the true reward.  Especially coming form a new-to-me blogger… the “silent” readers who find comfort and connection in my words.

And, in the end, isn’t that the point of blogging?  Not to feed my own ego or to feed others; but to grow roots in a community of like-minded, supportive people.

When ecologists look beneath the surface of a forest floor, they discover an interconnected web that holds up the entire colony of trees.  One tree cannot stand alone (for long)… it needs its forest.  Just as I tried to stand alone with my own shallow roots for far too long; I was afraid to reach out my branches for help and to admit my daily struggles with chronic illness and pain.

Thanks in large part to the blogging community, I no longer feel alone.  Unlike Darwin’s theory of “survival of the fittest,” plants in a forest system do not survive individually.  They actually help each other survive.  They will share nutrients back and forth according to who needs it the most at any given moment.  And they will help each other withstand unexpected events (storms, fires, disease).  They do not discriminate; they help each other “inter-species.”

Not only do we provide a root system for one another, I feel like we all play the role of ecologist, as well.  We look beneath the surface (the “oh, but you look so good on the outside…”) to get to the root of things that lie beneath.  We accept each other (as I like to say, “warts and all”).  We trust each other.  We believe in each other.

And when one of us is too weak to weather the next inevitable storm, we hold each other up.  One day I hold you up, and the next day you return the gift with encouraging, validating words of kindness.  We remind each other why we need to stand strong and try again one more day at a time… why we should never give up.

Ecologist Suzanne Simard states, “AMAZINGLY, WE FIND THAT IN A FOREST, 1 + 1 EQUALS MORE THAN 2.”  Isn’t that also true of the WordPress Family?! (and our supportive readers!)

In my heart, these blogging awards are for each and every one of us; for every blogger who has the courage to tell it how it is, to be vulnerable, and to stand in their own truth.  I wouldn’t be here without all of you.  And I wish I could nominate all of you in turn…

I have been instructed to nominate 10 bloggers to pass these awards on to.  I want to be thoughtful in my choices… to recognize others as well as to give everyone an opportunity to explore a blogger they may not yet have discovered on their own.  As well, I want to think of the introspective questions I have been asked (as a nominee) and post those separately so you can get to know me even better.

In the meantime, I want to sincerely thank Life Beyond My Window (click for link) for passing these awards on to me.  And for giving me the opportunity to discover another inspirational blog!