The God I Have Vs. The God I Want

I was recently challenged to write about “the god you do believe in and the god you would like to believe in.”* I read this as the god I have versus the god I want. Upon reflection, I quickly realized they are now one and the same.

I did used to think of god as a punishing god… or more often, an absentee god. I couldn’t see the ways god was working in my life, so I denied any existence of a god, or a higher power. Truthfully, this “me of the past” probably would have skipped even reading a post with “god” in the title. I was that closed off to the existence of something greater than myself.

If there was a god, where was he/she when I was sick and dying?
When I was abused and attacked?
When addiction consumed the lives of my family and myself; the monster, Alcoholism, marching its deadly force straight to my beloved Dad’s doorstep?
Where was god when physical and mental pain and anguish played ping-pong with me and Dave?
Where, where, where?! I lamented.

Thankfully, I finally surrendered myself to the idea of a greater existence, to a god, in whatever form. For me, it started with daily prayer, most often filled with thoughts of gratitude.

My god today…
…travels in the minds and bodies and hearts of those around me; sending messages and offering Hope through their words and actions. My god wears skin.

My god is energy… energy that flows freely in and around me; energy that is never stagnant. And when I tap into this never-ending supply of energy, creative flow happens. Joy happens. Hope and inspiration happens. Love happens.

My god is always leaving presents in my path. I just have to stay open to receiving them, to recognizing them when they appear so that I can embrace them, fully.

My god is abundance. There is always enough spirit and energy to go around.

My god is a River of Grace that flows through each and every one of us.

My god is neither good nor evil. My god neither rewards nor punishes. My god needs no definition. My god is unique to each and every one of us. My god just is.

My god lives deep within the earth, growing roots to ground me… to bring me home. All the while connecting these roots to others and creating a collective conscious of love and community.

My god is my intuitive voice. The one that sees the path clearly and always know “the” choice for me–never waffling. When I turn a deaf ear to this voice or question its motives, I turn my back on god and my one true purpose in this life.

And, my god lives in the Now. It’s when my mind wanders off the present path and tries to predict the future or live in the wreckage of my past that I lose sight of god.
But when I keep my feet firmly planted in the soil of the now, not questioning the why, only focusing on the what, that I am always moving in a Good Orderly Direction.

Inspiration flows freely.
Opportunities open up like butterflies from their cocoons.
I never have to be alone or feel isolated again, because I feel god everywhere and in every one. And I too shine from within with the light of god.

My god reminds me that “I have arrived.”

* Exercise came from Julia Cameron’s, The Artsist’s Way (p.106)