I need to feed my soul. I have been putting myself on this almost deprivation diet in hopes that my body will rest and heal itself. But, I think it’s time for some divine intervention!
The first item on my Soul Food List? MUSIC. Such a simple solution; healing medicine and absolutely free. Yet I have sat here in my silence for far too long. As the first strands of banjos and snare drums snake their way through my nervous system and into my brain, I can already feel my body relaxing into these soothing sounds. I pause to slightly sway, stimulating my lymphatic system, adding some gentle foot pumps for extra “oomph.” I’ve slowed my breathing to a measured refrain.
I have been so caught up (again- sigh) in all the ways my body is not working right now; all the spots that are thrumming with pain; all the activities I’ve had to bow out of… These are the things I know. They are smack dab in the front of my everyday face. Why focus on that? I am only amplifying the pain. And the loss.
And in the middle of this melancholy, I’ve lost sight of the simple things that lift my spirits, that help my mind drift away from the darkness of pain (and fear) into the light of healing (and love!).
I was graciously invited to an amazing collective meditation at 4:11 EST this past Saturday. At that exact moment, every planet in our Universe created a perfect star around the Sun. Harmony. A portal into divine light. We began with ten sensual singing bowls, opening up the sleeping channels of higher consciousness that resides in us all.
We let our minds and our bodies float on the soothing, guiding words of our conduit that day, Mimi. Through her guidance, I was able to experience a pulsing, swirling, expanding circle of light that wove it’s tendrils to all the corners of the Earth. To the heavens above. And Mother Earth below. I was at once one with everything as everything was one with me. The Divine Goddess Energy became one with the Masculine… no longer male and female… just living, breathing Beings.
As the meditation came to a close, we were guided to return to our bodies, to the physical realm. Suddenly, I was lost in a sea of black. Complete and utter darkness. Where had all this warm, strong, healing energy and light of just moments before gone? I could feel it vibrating behind me, almost lying in wait as I lost all guiding light back to Earth. As I struggled with this dichotomy, a clear voice came to me…
“You will encounter much darkness as you bring this experience back to Earth. It is easiest to spread light onto others who are already experiencing glimmers of light and love. Your task is to bring the light into the corners of darkness, to shine your love and energy onto those who struggle with receiving it.”
That evening I came home and continued my connection, listening to native music while drawing the abstract light being (angel) who led me on this powerful journey.
Yet, since that night, I have been adrift. Lost once again in this sea of unremitting pain and worry that this pain will be what I will feel from this moment on. Selfish thoughts of missing out on the holiday festivities to come; guilt over cancelling and being inconsistent with my commitments to my friends and family; unable to do anything but sit and stare. Sit and stare.
But, then I suddenly awoke from my afternoon (well let’s just be honest, and say my “all-day”) nap, and was driven to write. To put on music and reignite that inner fire. To awaken my Soul Beacon, and let its wavering light start to trickle outwards again.
Truthfully, I have been away from blogging because I have yet to complete my “task” of awarding ten other bloggers with the kind awards that were bestowed upon me. This activity has overwhelmed me, mind, body and spirit. And for this I’ve allowed deep roots of shame to grow beneath me; creating an impasse to any spontaneous writing and healing.
This is my Soul Food.
All of you are my Soul Food.
I needed to sit and stare until I remembered that.
The holidays to come aren’t about making the best (one-up-manship) sides for dinner, or hitting the sales that invade my brain with their earworm tactics. It’s about doing what I can. And knowing that I am enough.
All my family wants, is me.
And all I want is my family… born into, married into, chosen.
Perhaps, for today, the darkest place that needed light was me. Now I am ready to start spreading that light to you.
Interesting that this comes to me on the eve of the Festival of Lights. Happy Hanukkah… we can all rejoice in the miracle of taking a small amount of fuel (energy-light) and spreading it out, until it exponentially grows into days and days and days of lighting the way for others.
May you discover moments to spread your own light and love in the coming days.